In which His Majesty jumps on board the Kentucky Fried Dutra plan*.

His Majesty gets all his news now from Twitter at 140 characters [and, boy, are they characters!] per news item. Well, actually, His Majesty doesn't really read all the Tweets. [with all the multi-tasking, he doesn't have the time or attention span for that] Instead an intern reads all the tweets and text messages a summary digest to His Majesty each hour on the Royal iRasberry.

So His Majesty, always one to be in the forefront of each new fashion, joined all the other twits, with thumbs flying. Some of the tweets are a little difficult to decipher, and there just isn't time to pay a lot of attention to the details. [Thinkin' 'bout stuff causes pain above the eyebrows, doesn't it, Your Majesty?] So His Majesty has the Royal Fact Checker send a report every afternoon at 4.

Anyway, seems Petaluma is putting in a new fast food restaurant on the south side of the river across from Shollenberger Park. Something called Kentucky Fried Asphalt. And the Michael Pollan Fan Club has been holding protests, worried that the asphalt could be hazardous to their health. His Majesty's Royal Environmental Protection Agency issued a full fair and balanced report in the Argus-Courier and assured everyone that there's nothing to be concerned about. We live in a sea of hydrocarbon pollution as it is. A little more from fried asphalt will never be noticed in the cancer statistics.

So the Royal Mayor finagled a grant from a Cotati fast food chicken pluckin' [don't say that fast, Your Majesty, and be careful when texting it] restaurant to use the fried asphalt to fill the now world-famous Petaluma Potholes [not so sure this is a good idea, Mayor. You fill all those potholes, no one's got anything to complain about. Life goes back to normal in Chickaluma. P-Town is out of the fair and balanced national news market. No more grant money. And we're back to filling potholes with leaky retails. Ask the Royal Fact Checker. He'll confirm.]

See, now Petalumans have to drive all the way over to Petaluma Hill Road and go north to Cotati [a very risky thing to do, what with the ill feelings left over from the Cotati Fast Food Wars of a couple of years ago.] to get a bucket of Kentucky Fried Asphalt [with special, secret Dutra sauce] whenever a pothole forms in front of their house. It takes the six piece bucket for a good sized pothole. You have to smush the fried asphalt into the pothole and tamp it down with the special secret recipe Dutra sauce. [don't try this at home, kids. That first bump from the SUV coming up behind you is going to be a hard one.] Then you have to paint a logo on it with the words "Pay No Attention to the Hydrocarbons Behind the Curtain." But as soon as Petaluma gets it's own Kentucky Fried Asphalt plant, it's going to cut nine minutes off the trip to get the fried asphalt. That's nine minutes more texting per day for Petalumans. Twits everywhere will rejoice. IMHO LUV U BYE 4 NOW

It's a fast moving world out there, and you've got to try to keep up.

His Majesty Norton II, Emperor of Petaluma and Protector of Sonoma County prepares for day of work filling potholes.

The Extra Crispy may not be the ideal product for filling potholes, but there aren't many other uses for it.

Use it up

Repair it

Make it do

Do without

* This news story was received on Tweetaluma and forwarded by iRaspberry before fact checking was completed. Please report any inaccuracies to Wikipedia.com.