"It's quarter to three. There's no one in the place but you and me."

3AM and His Majesty can't sleep. The Press Democrat and SF Chronicle haven't arrived yet, so we don't know what to be afraid of this coming week. So we'll have to make do with last week's crises.

There's always the ECONOMY...booga booga [please your Majesty, there could be children present...you'll frighten them.] Mr. Simpson assures His Majesty it's better if we don't know how bad it can get. Just remember, it's not really a Depression until YOU'RE one of the guys who get laid off. Darn, makes us wish we'd been saving some money all these years. Gonna have to get the victory garden cranked up this year. His Majesty has dibs on Putnam Plaza for selling pencils and apples.

What's for dinner?...

And that's another thing. The PD says we got this drought thingie coming this year. And the central valley agribusiness boys [remember, they ain't farmers] and now sayin' they won't have enough water this summer to grow lettuce and tomatoes [WHAT? no salsa & chips? How're we gonna throw a party?] Seems they're gonna need the water for the almonds. California's monocrop throughout the central valley that's supplying 80% of the world's almonds and using up most of the bee hives in this country and Australia and New Zealand for the three week pollination period. But after all tomatoes and vegetables are just annuals with lower profit margin and almonds are perennials, and you can't let all those trees die. It's just that pretty soon California is going to be growing only two crops, almonds and wine grapes. Guess that's not all bad. Nibble on the almonds, drink enough of the wine and we'll not care that there's no other food. [Your Majesty, the kids are right. You do have a tendency to ramble a bit. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's your royal prerogative.]

No worries, mate...

His Majesty quit worrying about the Noo Joisey [formerly Sonoma County] asphalt plant on the Noowerk [formerly Petaluma] River. The royal environmentalist pointed out this problem will take care of itself. The Supes will approve the asphalt plant on the banks of the river across from Shollenberger and Rocky parks [although Mr. Kerns might get a bit nervous about voting yes, what with an election coming up...but no worries, there's plenty of time for the voters to forget about it. So no need to email the Board of Supes and tell them to rethink it.]. The asphalt plant will be built and start hummin' and pumpin' out asphalt. They'll hire a bunch of workers eliminating unemployment in Sonoma County. Course, the plant board of directors will be living in Texas or somewhere. The managers will be living in Marin. And the worker bees will be living in Windsor and commuting [sorry, Petaluma. Our asphalt makers won't be able to buy a house in Petaluma.]...in their SUVs...one to a vehicle. But they'll all have nice new asphalt lanes through Santa Rosa to commute on. They might want to pull off and take a spin on the new asfaulted Rainier overpass and the Washington off ramp before headin' south to the plant. Get a chance to see where all that asphalt is going. And the managers will have a newly asphalted and widened Novato Narrows [will we still be allowed to call it the Novato Narrows? You bet. Cause the traffic'll pick up and clog the new lanes just fine.] to make their morning commute on.

Bring it all home, your Majesty...

Anyway, we keep cranking out the asphalt and spreadin' it around. Soon we've asphalted more square miles than you can shake a stick at [so far we've only asphalted the equivalent of the state of Wisconsin...let us know when we've asphalted the state of Texas.]. We drive the SUVs on that asphalt. We close what few factories we got left, stop growing food in the now drought plagued central valley and drill oil off the coast for boat and plane fuel to ship cheap shit from China and food from Mexico and South America. [Gotta cut down all the trees in Brazil to make room to grow the tomatoes and lettuce we're not gonna grow in Fresno no more.] We dig up the coal and burn it to make electricity to run the 12' plasma screen TV to watch American Idol on while munching on almonds and drinkin' wine

Oila...Problem solved...

Soon the Gore effect really warms the planet and melts the polar bears [or something, His Majesty gets lost in the details.] and when the ice in the Arctic and Antarctic [so named because it's an arctic land where ants live. Intern, google that and confirm it for us, will ya?]...when the ice and polar bears melt, the oceans rise and reflood the marsh lands in the Petaluma [now Noowerk} River valley and in the central valley. The asphalt plant and the Novato Narrows are now underwater, Shollenberger has quadrupled in size, the birds and wildlife are happy. The ecofreaks are happy. Jimmy Stewart runs down main street yellin' "it's a wonderful life". Problem solved. All because of the Noowerk Asphalt Plant, which the Supes will approve on February toid [that's February 3 in californiaese] sometime in the afternoon...unless they get scared off by a bunch of voters emailin' 'em and showing up at the meeting staring at them while they vote and contemplate some future election.

Oh, and our intern just happens to have those email addresses for you...