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Noo Joisey on the Petaluma River
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asphalt, asphalt, everywhere, and not a drop to drink

His Majesty hasn't seen the papers for a while. And his laptop was confiscated, and he couldn't get on the internet. Did Mr. O'Bama make it into the White House yet? Everything straightened out on the economy? Guess Bush is doing public service clearing brush in Texas. You know. The way Jimmy Carter built houses for Habitat for Humanity.

A what fault?....

So we wake up from the black out and first thing we hear is that there's gonna be a asphalt making plant on the Petaluma River. Good thing, too, cause the fish in that river are getting out of hand. Need a few toxic spills to get rid of 'em. Gonna take all that new asphalt and make Highway 101 into eight lanes each way. Ain't never gonna slow down at the Narrows again. Second batch of asphalt goes to the Rainier overpass. Gonna have to post some guards there when those Cotatians start sneaking down Petaluma Hill Road and over the cross town connector to get to our fast food joints. We appoint newly installed councilman Mr. Healy to ensure that Petaluma is not invaded by disguised Cotatians. Since she lives nearby, Diane Reilly-Torres will stand watches on the east side of the connector. Go Team.

Think of the employment opportunities...

Now, we're told that the Sonoma County Supervisors are not overly responsive to Petalumans' opposition to this asphalt plant. But Petalumans are just gonna hafta realize that we'll need lotsa nice clean asphalt to fill those potholes and build roads for the Royal Hummer. And apparently you hafta make asphalt on a river in a highly populated area where there's lotsa birds, fish and wildlife to kill off. Can't make it off in some desert somewhere. Petaluma fills the bill perfectly, what with all the folks living nearby who don't have cancer yet. And all the birds, fish and critters in the marshlands, both protected and unprotected marshlands. So the Supervisors are gonna help those asphalt making folks get started. Just think of all the jobs. We thought we saw a line forming this morning to fill out applications. Ya get desperate enough, ya'll do most anything, right?

the name game...

So once we get this here asphalt plant up and runnin' on the river [actually we don't need to build a new one. We could just pick up a used one from the internet at http://www.asphaltcontrol.com/ ], we're gonna need a new name for the town. Cause a town named after a bunch of little hills ain't gonna work for some industrial grade oil product plant. Could be the first of many. We got lotsa creeks that are gettin' cleaned up by the highschoolers where we could stick a few more oil refining plants. Maybe a fertizer plant. Or some nice clean DDT.

gonna need a new zip code...

So His Majesty hereby proclaims Sonoma County to henceforth be called New New Jersey. [prounounced Noo Joisey] And Petaluma becomes New Newark [pronounced Noowerk]. So listen up, County Supervisors and Petaluma Council, and get busy writing the name-change ordinances and git some signs made to stick up on the highway [put 'em pretty far out in the field, cause we're gonna be widening that highway pretty soon]

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Posted January 28, 2009 6:00:00 PM
Permalink: http://tim-hurley.petaluma360.com/default.asp?item=2323180
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Posted By: Frank Simpson (29/01/2009 1:55:20 PM)
Comment: Panfrake raises an interesting question, Your Majesty. What is the Royal Answer? Do you think that the City will fix all the streets after the plant is built? Or will the asphalt go to Santa Rosa...or Marin?

Response: Dear Mr. Simpson. Not unless the asphalt crawls into the potholes all by itself. Cause the guys who would be layin' the asphalt gotta git paid and ain't likely there's gonna be a lotta extra money floating around after the Power&Money boys git their share.

Posted By: Pandrake (29/01/2009 1:12:44 PM)
Comment: So, in the very least does this mean we can fix potholes AND support the local economy? Very high price to pay, IMO. It does not bode well for both the bird sanctuary and water treatment plant if it's gotta compete with potholes!

Response: Dear Pandrake, no matter how many truckloads of asphalt rumble out of Petaluma, you keep your hands off our precious potholes. They are the only thing slowing down the traffic and His Majesty treasures every one of them.

Posted By: Frank Simpson (29/01/2009 11:26:34 AM)
Comment: Being from BlagoLand (Illinois or Illinoise as you would have it) I cannot speak in a Noo Joisey voice. However, I think you are missing one thing. Asphalt plants and cement plants do make for great backdrops in movies--particularly mob or gangsta movies. So this could be a real asset for Petaluma in attracting future movie productions. Perhaps a sequel to "American Gangster"--say "Petaluma Gangster" where bodies are buried under fresh ashphalt. Or start an urban myth--Hoffa is not buried under the Renaissance Center in Detroit. He's buried...somewhere near the river, under a bridge, or next to an asphalt plant.

Posted By: Petaluma Pete (29/01/2009 11:17:12 AM)
Comment: I also love the positive spins I have been reading. Guess there's a silver lining to every dark cloud. - Personally, I like asphault. Asphalt makes the the sidewalks smooth so it's easier for me to push my piano. Making music is part of the arts, so this asphalt plant would be helping the Petaluma art community... right? ;-)

Response: Right, Pete! And just how many cracked sidewalks you figuring to fix with that huge asphalt plant? Could a few bags from Shamrock do the trick instead? Got any Noo Joisey songs in your repertrawr?

Posted By: Worried (29/01/2009 8:41:53 AM)
Comment: I live in Petaluma because I don't want it to look like New Jersey. I worry about the marshes and the ecology. California leads the nation in taking care of the environment.

Response: Dear Worried, yuz worried da supes is gonna sell yuz down da rivah? fergedaboutit. Sum cigars gonna git smoked. Sum money's gonna change hands (all on da up 'n up yunerstan?). Sum guys gonna git sum jobs. Gonna be ok. Dohn worry 'bout it. We're gonna take care evreeting. Leave it ta us.

Posted By: Hoeboken (29/01/2009 8:10:10 AM)
Comment: Hey, I live in Petaluma now but I'm from New Jersey and I like it. We got used to the pollution and the corruption. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

Response: Dear Hoeboken, yeah but we noticed you live in Petaluma now, not Hoeboken.

Posted By: Frank Simpson (28/01/2009 7:41:37 PM)
Comment: A Web Site offering used asphalt plants for sale? WHO KNEW? Reality is indeed stranger than fiction....By the bye I believe that you are now the third Petaluma 360 Blogger to write about the Dutra Plant. Frances Rivetti was the first.

Response: djes, but did Frances write wid a noo joisey aksent? we dohn tink so. we's gonna git sold down da rivah on dis one, folks. might as well fergedaboutit an' start learnin' ta like da Noo Joisey skyline.